Ever since I was in primary school, I always had an answer when someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. It was simple, of course I wanted to be a judge … then there was a lawyer, then a real estate developer, then a banker and now I am neither one of them and I am still figuring it out. It was simple then, we wanted to be what society defined as ‘successful’.
After resigning my job a few months ago, I’ve had a lot of time to think .. about life, love, the future, the past .. just about everything. I thought I would have had clarity by now but truthfully, I am more confused than ever. I always told myself that I would never let anything define me, be it a job, friends or society but now I don’t really feel confident with that statement.
Everything that has happened to me till now has defined me and that includes my career, my relationships and even my clothes. My past defines me, it explains who I am and where I am at in my spiritual journey. My past only defines me to my current but not into my future.
It’s kind of funny, I’ve always thought of my dress sense as alternative .. I was fighting against society and it’s beauty standards but I was part of it. While fighting against the mainstream system, corporate making money from women’s insecurities, the other side, ‘alternative to corporate’ was making money from my insecurities of adhering to mainstream. No one wins. Even though we might try to fight the system, we are still in that system.
After much thought, I have figured out who I am and the things that define me. I am my past, I am the shy Kenyan girl who moved to Australia and had a lot of insecurity issues for the better part of her teen years, I am that girl who was depressed and lonely in high school, I am that independent girl who worked through her school years and paid for all of her travel adventures. I am that girl who never believed in love until she fell deeply in love, got heart-broken and cried every night, I am that girl who became successful in the corporate world but was always lost.
I am my present, that girl who took a stand on her life and quit her job, that girl who accepted that it was ok to fail and be lost, I am that girl who decided to figure out her dreams and follow them.
I am my future, I hope to be that girl who loves what she does, I want to be that girl who finds love, I want to be that girl who is confident about who she is as part of the greater system.
All this things define me and it is ok. I am ok for my lack of a ‘job’ to define me, it just means I am finding what I love and I will not settle for second best. I am ok for my clothes to define me, I am just trying to wear what I feel comfortable in, even if it is part of mainstream corporate.
What we need to understand is everything defines us, but definitions change. We are always continually changing.
I am a sister, daughter, friend, soul mate, food lover, someone finding herself and someone looking for her ideal job. All of these and more define me … and it is Okay!!