Messages are flooding in on my phone… a whole heap of ‘sorry’s’ and ‘You are in my prayers’. With every vibration of my phone, I take a look and shrug wondering what to write back. My job gave me sometime off last week once they heard the news of my husbands death so I have been at home trying to keep busy. I overheard my son whisper to one of the many visiting relatives that I have not been coping well and my way of dealing with it has been cleaning the house thoroughly!! I couldn’t help but giggle in response thinking what they would say if they could read my mind.

I have actually had enough of pretending to mourn over him and I am looking forward to resume work and my normal day to day life. 48 agonizing hours till we burry him and all will be done, closing that chapter and looking forward to happy years ahead. I know I sound cold hearted but I will not sugar coat the feelings I had for this man. I was once a sweet, loving, gentle and Naïve woman but this man who I called a husband made me into a hateful monster. He terrorized me for 25 years.

In the public eye, this man, my husband, was a renowned architect.. a ‘modern day genius’ as the daily nation newspaper described him. He was respected by his peers as well as his family members..of course, because of his fat wallet. I would even go as far as saying that he was a decent dad, he educated my son and daughter and interacted with them as a stranger throwing cash at a beggar would…. I guess I can’t complain, they graduated from Ivy League schools.

Behind closed doors, this man raped me physically and emotionally from the very first day I laid in bed with him. My heart would freeze every time he would touch me or look at me… he repulsed me!!
He had a fetish where he was aroused by the thought of a woman fighting him during sex. Pretty much rape!! I would not go so far to call him a rapist, because he did not rape any one I know of other than me.

At the beginning of our marriage, it was a daily nightmare, but as time went by, it was bearable…all I had to do was numb myself and think of something happy as he did his business. I Would have to say the most painful experience was the night of our marriage… I had only met him a couple of times as it was an arranged marriage, and I was hoping we would get to know each other first before we get physical…at least even a week!! This man could not even wait for me to remove my clothes and freshen up.. he just grabbed me by my hair, shoved me on the bed, tore my undies and thrust into me…. I was a virgin!! Since I was shocked, my immediate reaction was to try and fight him off… he looked straight into my eyes, smirked and then slapped the shit out of me as he continued thrusting himself into me.

I did not walk for a week..

I had thought of ending my life a number of times but I just could not get myself to do it. I went and talked to my mom about it and she just said ‘it is not my problem, he is your husband and you will learn to love him’. How could I ever learn to love this man?

I did my time, 25 years of agony and toxic hatred in my heart. I always wondered how someone could be so mean and cold as he was but now I understand….if you spent years with a toxic person as he was, you would be mean and cold too. Maybe it was his parents…I couldn’t even be bothered to find out anyway!!

Two more days…48 hours of anticipation until I have a chance to say goodbye to that piece of shit!!

Hope you enjoyed !!

Asali M. xx

** This is NOT a true story **