I am not quite sure why I let myself be deceived for so long… I guess I always thought you would move on, get over her… But the longer I stayed the more it was certain to both of us what needed to be done.
I know I smiled and gave you a kiss every time you told me you loved me and gave me false compliments, but deep down, I broke down each time you did that. I knew that behind that compliment was a memory of the one you let go.
I observed you often, so deep in thought and a faint smile in your eyes. I would wonder if you were thinking of her. I held on to you for so long, even after I stumbled on her photo in your wallet, you let her be so close to you for so long and only decided to discard of the photo shrugging it off that you never noticed it. I should have let you go then… But I didn’t
You would tell me stories of the things you had done together, I know I acted like it did not bother me, I should tell you now that it did. There was that other time when we bumped into her in the mall, I could not help but feel like I was the stranger. That hug was too close, that smile was too wide, your eyes said it all. I could not help but notice that your arm still had goosebumps from that encounter… I should have let you go then, but I didn’t.
It hurt me so much when everyone would meet you and ask about her while I was standing next to you, she must have been like an extension of your arm. I saw how they looked at me and back to you trying to read your expression… Wondering why you had left your other rib for me. I must have made you a different man, less happy, less outgoing and they probably noticed. I should have let you go then… But I didn’t
It wasn’t hard to miss, we were as different as could be. We just had no chemistry whatsoever. I tried but it seemed the more I reached out, the more you pulled back. I can’t deny that you showed me affection, you loved me but probably as you would love a close friend. You were not in love with me. I have to admit, I envied photos of you together, you truly looked happy. I was just what came after… I should have let you go, I was just too comfortable to make the move.
I got pregnant for you, I am not sure why I thought it would make a difference. You were really happy, but your eyes deceived you. You looked like you were trapped, like there was hope before but now your fate had been sealed. I knew you would never leave me, you were the kind of man who took care of his responsibilities. I couldn’t help but feel like we would always be the second option and she had been the only option that had not worked out. I pitied my son, he would never really see what real love looked like and he would have to settle being second best. Sometimes I found myself wondering if you wished she was the one who had your son…. I should have let you go then, but I did not
I heard that she had broken up with her boyfriend, I am not sure who broke it off but I am sure he had gone through the same too. Poor man, at least he was out of his misery!!
I cannot really explain how I felt when I bumped into the two of you having a very private lunch. You were meant to be at work!! You looked so guilty and pained and she just looked frightened. I am not sure how I was meant to react but I could tell that greeting you and wishing you a pleasant lunch was not the norm. I felt so relieved… I was not making everything up… You were still In love with her and I did not blame you or her for following your heart. I was finally out of my misery, I could finally let you go.
Xx Asali Mukii